6 August 2023

Goodbye Len

Recently my family had to farewell a loved one, my Mum’s older brother Len passed away. It was sudden and unexpected, which shocked all of the family. Grieving is always harder when it’s suden. I guess in the grand scheme of things is a blessing because he did not have to suffer long. Then you think of yourself as a bad person because you didn’t want them here anymore. Even if it was because you didn’t want them suffering, it’s one of the hardest parts of saying goodbye.

My uncle passed away in Queensland so people weren’t really able to say their goodbyes before he passed away. I’m just thankful that he’s daughter arrived only a minute before. The strength and will of people in their last moments is truly amazing, and very special. You just know that they have chosen that moment to go, that they were waiting for that person to arrive. The same happened with my Pa, he passed only moments after my uncle arrived.

Grief and Grieving

I know that everyone grieves differently, but I think it sometimes takes me a lot longer to process it. I don’t think you ever really process the loss of someone you love. Not until you do something or go somewhere an they are no longer there. Guess that means that the closer you are or the more often you see that person that harder it is. The more often you are hit with all those emotions of grief and loss.

I can’t really remember the last time I saw my uncle, not specifically. I know that doesn’t determine how close you are to a person. You don’t have to see each other, or talk to each other every day or often. Loving and being close to someone can be just keeping up with what is going on. Knowing what is going on with each others lives, even if it’s not through direct contact. My Mum was close with her brother, I’m glad that they have each other to help them through this. Because they have been close I’ve always felt a closeness because she keeps me updated on what they’ve been doing.

In some ways I am lucky, I can still have these close relationships because of my parents. They have taken on the mantle on letting us know when things happen. That was something our grandparents always did so now that responsibility has fallen onto our parent. I always loved spending time with my Nan and I miss her every day. It was always special sitting there and learning about what everyone in the family was doing and how they were.

A New Way of Grieving

The last few years have been hard for me, especially in the area of grief and loss. Although with this loss I honestly feel emotionally numb. Maybe I just don’t know how to deal and cope with it anymore. Kind of like my emotions have just decided to check out, like it’s just too much. I understand it, but I grieve pretty strong and there’s been a lot in a small amount of time. At least smaller than I’ve ever dealt with before. I know that I am still capable of showing emotion so I’m not completely numb. But I’m also very empathic so sometimes those emotions that I feel and show aren’t always my own.

Getting Older

I think losing Uncle Len has made me realise that we’re all getting older. He was almost 83, but he lived a great life. Married to my Aunty for over 60 years with children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren. It’s made me realise that I’m getting closer to 40 and my parents are heading towards their 70s. I’m scared, I have anxiety that dealing with death and grief is going to be a part of my life now. That I won’t be able to grieve the way I’m used to because it’s happening too often. With not enough time for me to properly grieve in between. I don’t think I am ready for that yet.

Grief is hard and the last few years I’ve had my fair share. Right now I’m trying not to let the sadness and negativity overtake my thoughts. There are still so many people in my life that I love, I need to cherish spending time with them. I need to lift myself up and get myself out of my own head. And remember to reach out and catch up with people more often and I’m trying to do that. There are also many things to look forward to as well. I have a few events coming up in my life I need to remind myself to be excited for. To put myself out there and do everything I can to enjoy myself.

My Comfort Kitty

The biggest thing I am grateful for during this time of grieving is my little fur baby. She has been my rock and I don’t know what I would do without her. When I drove up and back to my Uncle’s funeral I had her by my side. In the car with me and she was amazing, I am so proud of her. I used to travel with her in a travel cage and she would meow half the way. Now she sits in the passenger sit in her harness with a seat belt. She is calm and enjoys the ride and having her with me is good for me too. She keeps me calm and gives me company. Knowing I can just reach over and pet her whenever I want, is special.

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