It’s been a while since I posted a blog and the reasoning is that Life has just been one big overwhelming mess for the last six months or so. I started my new job, I have lost a couple of family members, had some medical issues and I have also had to change living arrangements and have been living out of boxes for the last six months. Sometimes you just try and take it a day at a time but all the things in life don’t let that happen, stresses have been absolutely insane for me this year and I have had my fair share of bad moments, given how crazy and emotional the last few years have been it’s crazy to think that out of them all this year has been harder than any of the others.
Some days it’s been hard just to function but you have to function because life goes on and you have to get up and do what you have to do to keep going, even if it feels like the hardest thing you haver ever done. There have been moments over the last few months that I honestly don’t know how I was still functioning because everything was just way too overwhelming, but I did manage to keep going even though it was hard, and in reality I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out… but that doesn’t do anything to fix the problem. The things in life that were so very overwhelming were so much so that I didn’t even know how to talk about them, and I could never find the words to explain or describe it all and that is why I have been so absent.
Thankfully things should start settling down now, I have moved into my own place and although I still have some things to do for now it is comfortable and starting to feel like home. Izzy has started to settle in and so have I, although sometimes it still feels like I’m staying in a hotel or something because it’s so much newer and brighter than the old house. I have my computer set up again and can hopefully start streaming soon I just need to sort some things out but for now it’s a good start so hopefully I’ll be back to doing that soon. This place is a lot smaller than the last but I have still managed to find space for doing my artwork as well, it’s in the garage but that is better than nothing so it will do and I kind of love my own little studio space with my awesome compact fold down desk – Just got to move the car out when I wanna get creative.
Things at work have been very stressful and unsure as well, I took a giant leap when I applied for this job and it hurts me to admit it but perhaps it was not the best job for me as I have really struggled. I have felt completely embarrassed and humiliated because of things that have happened and because of all the stress and overwhelmingness of everything my self hate was deep and dark and took me places no one likes to go. I am the type of person who thrives on positive comments and reinforcement so when I am somewhere where it feels the only comments you get are always negative it’s hard to build yourself up and feel like you are succeeding, because all you have to focus on is all the things you are doing wrong and nothing you are doing right… So this on top of everything else has been hard and over the last few weeks there have been so many bouts of crying and so many tears because my hatred for myself and the fact that I feel like a failure is strong and even though people around me keep telling me I am not that feeling always lingers… it doesn’t help that I also feel like a disappointment, that I have let myself and everyone else down who was proud of me for doing this job and driving the trucks etc.. that has probably been the most emotional part, especially because I know the people I love who have passed away were proud of me and I feel like I’m letting them down the most.
Grief is something that is never easy to deal with either and sometimes it takes a lot time for everything to really hit you and with all the craziness of this year that has been what has happened to me… Earlier in the year my Grandpa passed away, he was my Step Dad’s Dad but he had been apart of my life since I was 8yrs old, I may not have been as close to him and my Nan as I have been with my other grandparents but that is because they live further away and I didn’t get the chance to get out and see them as much, it does not mean that I loved them any less I have always appreciated having them in my life. Going to my Grandpa’s funeral was much harder than I thought because not only was I grieving for him but so many emotions were hitting me as the last funeral I had been to was my Nan’s in lockdown when people weren’t allowed to come so there were a lot of emotions swirling in me that day. Funerals are never easy but there is always one thing I appreciate about them and that is seeing all of your family that you haven’t seen in a long time, and being able to share stories and reminisce about the person who has passed.
Unfortunately I have another funeral to attend this week, my older cousin Mark passed away from brain cancer and even though it was expected due to the illness and it was a blessing when it happened because you hate seeing people that you love suffering it was still hard and it took me a while to properly process it, in fact I don’t think I really have yet and maybe that is where the funeral will help. I got the call that he had passed about an hour before I got the call that settlement had gone through on my house, I stood just stood there on the phone crying because all the emotions hit me at once. The crying has happened a lot over the last couple of weeks because again that is what grief is and it is never easy to experience, it is different every time it happens and everyone deals with it differently. I am very grateful that a few weeks ago we all got together as a family, it was hard and it was emotional because not only was it the first time we had all gotten together since my Uncle and my Nan passed in 2020, we also knew that it would be the last time we would be together with Mark there. It was an amazing day though and I am thankful to have had that experience, spending time with my family is one of the things I love the most in life. It was also pretty amazing watching all my cousins kids and my brothers kids playing and interacting with each other, it is a special memory that will stay with me forever.
I thank you for reading my blog and once again apologise for it being such a long time since the last post. I appreciate every single one of you and can’t wait to get thinks back up and running so I can get back to being social with you all over again. Much love ❤️