Life Overwhelms

24 September 2022

Life is a Mess

My life has just been one big overwhelming mess for the last six months and it’s been hard to think and function. I started my new job, I have lost a couple of family members, had medical issues. Have also had to change living arrangement and been living out of boxes for the last six months.

Sometimes you just try and take it a day at a time. But all the things in life don’t let that happen. Stresses have been absolutely insane for me this year and I have had my fair share of bad moments. Given how crazy and emotional the last few years have been. It’s crazy to think that out of them all this year has been harder than any of the others.

Hard to Function

Some days it’s been hard just to function but you have to function because life goes on. You have to get up and do what you have to do to keep going. Even if it feels like the hardest thing you have ever done. There have been moments over the last few months that I honestly don’t know how I was still functioning. Everything was way too overwhelming, but I did manage to keep going. Even though it was hard, and in reality I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out.

That doesn’t accomplish anything though. The things in life that were overwhelming were so much, that I didn’t even know how to talk about them. I could never find the words to explain or describe it and that is why I have been so absent.

Moved House

Thankfully things should start settling down now. I have moved into my own place. I still have some things to do but for now it is comfortable. Starting to feel like home and Izzy has settles in so well.

Sometimes it still feels like I’m staying in a hotel, because it’s so much newer and brighter than the old house. I have my computer set up again and can hopefully start streaming soon. I just need to sort some things out but for now it’s a good start. Hopefully I’ll be back to doing that soon. This place is a lot smaller than the last but I have still managed to find space for doing my artwork. It’s in the garage but that is better than nothing so it will do. I love the little studio space I have created, just have to move the car out when I wanna get creative.

Overwhelming Work Stresses

Things at work have been very stressful and unsure. I took a giant leap when I applied for this job and it hurts me to admit it. Perhaps it was not the best job for me as I have really been struggling. I have felt completely embarrassed and humiliated because of things that have happened. The stress has been overwhelming and my self-hate was deep and dark. It took me places no one likes to go. I am the type of person who thrives on positive comments and reinforcement. This job is filled with negativity and always being told what you are doing wrong. Not what you are doing right. It’s hard to build yourself up and feel like you are succeeding. When all you have to focus on is all the things you are doing wrong.

This on top of everything else has been hard and over the last few weeks there have been so many bouts of crying. So many tears when my self-hatred overpowers everything else. The fact that I feel like a failure even though people around me keep telling me I am. That feeling always lingers. I also feel like a disappointment, that I have let myself and everyone else down. Let down the people who were proud of me for doing this job and driving the trucks. That has probably been the most emotional part, especially because I know the people I love who have passed away were proud of me and I feel like I’m letting them down the most.

Greif and Loss

Grief is something that is never easy to deal with either and sometimes it takes a lot time. Things can really hit you and with all the craziness of this year that has been what has happened to me.

Earlier in the year my Grandpa passed away, he was my Step Dad’s Dad. He has been apart of my life since I was eight years old. I may not have been that close to him, or seen him as often as I would have liked. That was because they lived further away and I didn’t get to visit often. It does not mean that I loved them any less I have always appreciated having them in my life.

Going to my Grandpa’s funeral was much harder than I thought. Not only was I grieving for him but so many emotions were hitting me as the last funeral I had been to was my Nan’s. In lockdown when people weren’t allowed to attend. There were a lot of emotions swirling in me that day. Funerals are never easy but there is always one thing I appreciate about them. Seeing all of your family that you haven’t seen in a long time, and being able to share stories and reminisce about the person who has passed.

Another Life Loss

Unfortunately I have another funeral to attend this week. My older cousin Mark passed away from brain cancer and even though it was expected it’s still hard. Due to his illness it was a blessing in the end, you hate having to see people you love suffer. It’s still so raw that I don’t think I have properly processed it. The funeral will help with that.

I think the reason it’s been hard to process is because so much happened all in a short period of time. I got the call that he had passed about half an hour before I got the call that settlement had gone through on my house. When the real estate agent rang me, I just stood there on the phone crying, all the emotion hit me at once. The crying has happened a lot over the last couple of weeks, that is grief. It is never easy to experience, and it is different every time it happens. And everyone deals with it differently.

Family Life

I am very grateful that a few weeks ago we all got together as a family. I was an emotional event, it was the first time we’d all gotten together since losing Uncle Ken and Nan in 2020. We also knew that it was the last time we would be together with Mark.

It was an amazing day, and I am thankful to have had that experience. Spending time with my family is one of the things I love the most in life. It was also pretty amazing watching all my cousins kids and my brothers kids playing and interacting with each other. It is a special memory that will stay with me forever.

Thank You

I thank you for reading my blog and once again apologise for it being such a long time since the last post. I appreciate every single one of you and can’t wait to get things back up and running so I can get back to being social with you all over again. Much love ❤️

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