I still struggle to find the words to explain how much I love and miss my beautiful Nan. For the first time in my life I have lived a whole year without her, but has that really been lived? Feels more like surviving than living. Because of COVID and everything the world was/is facing our times together where cut short. I know that I am so very lucky to have been able to see her and to say goodbye. Even though that is never an easy thing to do I’m glad I was able to, so many others never got that chance.
I’ll never forget the last time I spent time with Nan, when she was still well. It was a sad day, we sat together and held each other as we said goodbye to a loved one. Her son and my uncle, we watched the life stream together. I do laugh when I remember the last time I hugged her, and she was able to hug me back. I said goodbye and left, but I came back because I’d forgotten my phone. It had falling out of my pocket and down the side of the couch. We laughed, we hugged and said I love you.
The last text message I received from my Nan, was her saying she was sorry to hear about Zac the cat. When I remember these last moments with you, I’m reminded how hard 2020 really was. Not only the lockdowns and isolation but the deaths and the grief. The grieving without your family and friends especially hard. I never could have imagined that 2021 could be worse. Even though there have been no deaths in the family this year, it still feels so much harder. Everyday things are so much harder than they ever have been before. Every day feels exactly the same and it’s getting harder to separate things.
This last year really has been difficult and I miss being able to talk to my Nan, I miss those hugs. I miss everyone’s hugs, I miss human contact. I miss being able to see people just because I can, I miss freedom. I miss getting in the car and going for a drive, just because I can.
I have learned to not take things for granted, to spend time with the important people in my life. Whenever I get the chance, which lately is very rarely. I’ve been surviving, even when the simple act of getting out of bed has felt utterly exhausting. When I have no motivation to do anything, I somehow find the energy within to keep going. Continuing to survive, maybe some of that strength comes from my Nan.
I love and miss you Nan even though I know that you are with me, I often find myself talking to you, mostly about mundane things. I know you were always proud of all of us, for what we have done and who we are. There is a memory from your funeral that will always stick with me. It was beautiful and something that felt so natural. With all the emotions of that day the most beautiful moment was when the hearse drove away. One by one we stepped out to wave you off, the same way you (and Pa) always would when we came to visit. That family tradition is so engrained is us all that it made that moment so special.
Tears for Nan
I write this with tears in my eyes because when it comes to talking about my Nan, and remembering moments. I still feel so much grief but as time goes by it does get easier to recall memories. Sometimes I can think of you without tearing up. I just miss you and our connection, life will never be the same without you here. Even though life isn’t the same in general at the moment
Love you forever and always Nan ❤️